Almost entirely non-band related posting. Feel free to skip.

I like making puns and I like to think I am pretty solid at it and I will take a challenge at any time to pun on any specific topic. Whilst at a show recently (no idea where, or with who, but this is a true story) someone called me out on this and I punned them right in the face, twice. I cannot recall the jokes, but I know they were awesome, at least to me. However, despite my obvious skill and talent at making sweet puns, I am today announcing the retiring of some absolute classic kitchen-related gags which have now sadly become over-used and I also partly blame Josh for this. I am also compiling this list because I just found that i can do bullet points on the blog.

• “Forking hell”
• “Knife one mate!”
• “I wasn’t bread-y for that one”
• “You did that pun yeast-erday” (These last 2 work best whilst standing around the bread bin)
• “Oven you glad you did that?”
• “It was too freeze-y to make that pun” (works best when pointing to, or using the freezer, obviously)

I will replace these tired, over used puns with some modern gems:

• “You have to draw the lino somewhere”
• “Quit bake-ing my balls”
• “That’s just glove-ly” (obviously, an oven glove is imperative to this hilarious joke”

Jesus, puns just don’t really cut it so much when written down and sober. Looking at them they sort of remind me of how I feel about drinking gin in the morning. It just doesn’t have the same appeal. Maybe I should retire from punning and move onto making obscure references to theoretical science and maths puzzles when confronted with difficult situations.

“I bet that’s how Schrödinger's cat felt!”

I feel like an unstable particle in the quantum Zeno effect!”

There, that should do it. Instant social awkwardness guaranteed. Can't be worse than loudly announcing hilarious puns at parties, gatherings and funerals* I suppose.

See you losers this weekend at the PJ and Gaby shows tonight and tomorrow, the Hackney show on Saturday and Punk and Bowl Sunday, yeah?

Dan

*Whilst I cannot accurately remember punning at a funeral, there is literally no chance that it hasn't happened.